Woe is Author
by Marfacat
Summary: Why falling into Arda is a good way to get yourself deadified. Especially where I am concerned.
1. Squishified

A/N: Hello! This came to be because I'm bored and I haven't seen anything like it yet. Please review, flames excluded!

...

Our author is a very lucky girl. Very, very lucky. She has a roof over her head, a loving family, food to eat, and a certain degree of attractiveness and charm to her that makes her rather appealing to be around.

Unfortunately, she is about to lose all of that. (Except for that last one, perhaps.)

You see, our little author is foolish and decides that she would _much_ rather live in Arda than actual Earth. The Valar are feeling particularly cruel at the moment, so they decide to grant her wish.

Now, our author finds herself in the middle of Harad. She is very understandably panicked, and is screaming and making a scene.

Unfortunately, she finds herself right underneath a mûmak.

 _Squishified!_

 _..._

A/N: Author is also vain. Who ever said she had to land in the north?


	2. Allergyified

A/N: I am still bored, and not even close to finished with this. Please review, flames preferably excluded!

...

In an alternate universe, Author the lucky has not yet fallen into Arda. The Valar decide to place her in a safer place, because they are feeling less sadistic.

Author now finds herself in the middle of the forest. Thankfully, Bree is nearby, and she finds a very kind woman who takes her in and gives her food.

Unfortunately, Author has an unfortunate sensitivity to wheat and will die a very unfortunate death if she unfortunately finds herself without a hospital or medicine. How unfortunate.

She is starving, however, and doesn't think twice about what she's eating until she gets an asthma attack.

 _Deadified!_

...

A/N: Please review!


	3. Sauronified

A/N: Hello! I have returned with more reality checks for everyone's favorite daydream! Please review, flames are not appreciated.

...

We now enter yet another alternate universe where Author falls into Arda. The Valar must be particularly upset with her, because she lands right on top of Sauron.

Sauron is startled and manages to kill Author in a horrible, unspeakable way in three seconds flat and walks away without ever thinking about it again.

Even the orcs have nightmares.

 _Sauronified!_

...

Review!


	4. Legolasified

A/N: I still have way too much time on my hands. Please review! Flames are loathed with a passion more intense and fiery than one million pissed off Saurons!

...

I suppose I should add a disclaimer.

I don't own anything in this fanfiction except Author.

...

Author has added something new to her wish this time. She wishes to join the Fellowship.

The Valar are happy to oblige.

Unfortunately, Author should have worded her wish more specifically, because she lands right in front of them without warning.

Legolas, being the quickest to react, shoots her without a second thought. He is plagued with guilt for the rest of eternity for killing a teenaged girl before seeing who she was.

 _Legolasified!_

...

Please review!


	5. Elfified

A/N: Hello, I thank you for the reviews! Please review some more! Flames, as usual, are excluded!

...

Author is very lucky in this next alternate universe. To allow her to join the Fellowship, the Valar warped the minds of everyone involved to make them think she was perfectly competent and responsible enough to go on the quest, and she isn't dead yet! _Yet._

Of course, everyone began having doubts after the Balrog incident, where she decided that her pants were an appropriate place to rid herself of her bodily fluids before fainting.

Author, of course, is still terribly embarrassed, and is now wearing the only spare pair of pants that anyone in the Fellowship had the sense to bring.

She is now in Lothlórien, and finds herself terribly anxious about meeting Galadriel. There some thoughts she has that she would rather not explain to anyone.

Of course, right before the Fellowship meets the lady, Merry and Pippin decide that this is an appropriate time to ask her who her favorite character is in the book that told her what was going to happen in the future. Author promptly regrets ever telling them about the Lord of the Rings books as thoughts about her weird obssession with Sauron flood her head right in front of Galadriel.

Author also has terribly paranoid irrational anxiety, which as of late has been immensely amplified due to the stress of the quest, and is not thinking positive, healthy thoughts.

Before she can answer, Galadriel has the guards shoot her, because Lórien elves don't mess around.

 _Elfified!_

...

Please review!


	6. Drownified

A/N: Thank you for the favorites, I appreciate all you readers taking the time to read my morbid compilation of gruesome deaths in a magical fantasy land! Wow, when I put it like that it sounds terrifying.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter and I ask you to leave reviews (not flames!)!

I do not own the beauty that is Lord of the Rings.

...

This time around, the Valar are _very_ upset with Author. Not as upset as they were in the Sauron incident, but still very wrathful.

Subsequently, Author is dropped in the middle of the ocean. She drowns after about thirty minutes of tiresome water treading.

 _Drownified!_

...

A/N: Please review! Again, thank you for reading my fic!


	7. Scorchified

A/N: I hope you enjoy this chapter! Please review, flames excluded!

...

Author must have seriously ticked off the Valar this time.

She lands in between Gamdalf and the Balrog.

She is treated to a quick, painful death at the hands of the Balrog's hot breath of death.

 _Scorchified!_

...

Please review!


	8. Crunchified

A/N: Thank you to the reviewers! It's great to know people are enjoying this!

If you noticed, I changed the summary a bit.

...

Author is afraid of heights.

Just thought it might be useful to know this, because the place she ends up in this time is particularly unpleasant to her because of that fact.

The Valar stick her right on the edge of Barad-dûr.

Author, shocked as she is, quickly loses her footing and plummets off a tower with a greater height than the tallest skyscraper in regular Earth.

All the way to the ground.

 _Crunchified!_

...

Please review!


	9. Munchified

A/N: Thank you to the reviewers!

...

Author has arachnophobia. This makes where she lands next utterly terrifying.

The Valar decide to introduce her to Shelob.

She manages to get herself tangled up in all the webs, and is already panicking pretty badly when she gets to meet the spawn of Ungoliant.

There wasn't a person within a five mile radius who didn't hear her screams when Shelob decided to have lunch.

 _Munchified!_

...

Please review!


	10. Deadified

A/N: Okay, this is the last chapter until further notice. Thank you to all the wonderful reviewers who liked my story, I really appreciate the feedback.:) Please enjoy the last chapter of my Crusher of Preteen Dreams! Please review!

...

Author must have murdured cute fluffy forest animals, because she _really_ ticked off the Valar now.

Oh, yeah.

Author is currently getting acquainted with Isengard's most terrifying Uruk-hai. Not in the pleasant way, with cookies and lemonade out on the back porch.

Oh, no.

There will be eating, but it won't be cookies. Author is just lucky that they're _really_ hungry at the moment, because it could be far, _far_ worse.

Oh, yeah.

Author is toast. Literally.

 _Deadified!_

...

Author shoots up from her bed in a cold sweat, shaking and trying hard not to vomit. Instinctively, she grabs her phone and starts reading fanfiction of the Lord of the Rings variety.

Unfortunately, the first thing she sees is a girl-falls-into-Middle-earth story. Author tosses the phone to the other end of her bed like a hot potato.

"Nope," she says, "nope, nope, nope, nope, nope."

Somewhere, on a higher plane of existence, the Valar are high-fiving.

...

I hope you enjoyed my fic, please review!


End file.
